As someone that owns/runs an operation that interacts with thousands of customers a day if I were to receive a note like the OP"s it would end up in the trash. We have people that screen our mail/email for consumer complaints, and generally good one's these are passed to a senior member of customer service, whiners go to anyone in customer service.
Writing a complaint stick to what is relevant, and keep it succinct and to factual. If you threaten to not use a product or service, go on a public shaming campaign the inclination to help you has just gone to zero - why help, you just said you aren't coming back.
Be specific on the remedy you seek and be realistic - remember its a big deal to you but this happens all the time in the business and we can't compensate everyone to the level they'd like.
Don't be 'cute' in your note, this isn't a creative writing class or comedy hour... the OP's note is way too glib to be taken seriously. Don't be a bull in a China shop... no one is impressed with a testosterone soaked writing.
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